Letting Go.....

Perhaps a greater tragedy than a broken dream is a life forever defined by it. -Sheridan Voysey

In my mind I am moving on. We are staying put, but I am laying to rest, for now, my dream of a family. I can't continue to live in limbo not sure if we will or if we won't, if we should or if we even want to anymore. The past 7 years have been a whirlwind of unanswered prayers, questions, and agonizing conversations and I no longer have the energy to do the heavy lifting that is potential parenthood for us. I understand that I have to make the decision that is best for us, now. It's not to say that JSM isn't part of this decision, because he is, but everyone knows the decision almost always is hers. I had lost hope, stopped dreaming, and wasn't sure where I fit in. That was a clue to me that I was going down the wrong path.

Some may say we didn't try hard enough: there was no IVF failure, no birth parents that didn't pick us. Others still may judge us for making a decision that for them, seems right. Emotional is the one word that describes me best and I know, better than anyone (except maybe JSM) what I can handle. I can't handle the uncertainty and the potential joy that could be followed by unbearable sadness. I can't continue to feel sorry for myself and wonder why not me? I can't question things that are beyond our control. I can't allow this to define who I am as a person. And I refuse to live the rest of my life in the shadow of this loss. I can move on.

I can let go of a dream I've had for as long as I can remember in order to have peace. I can give up what I thought I wanted  in order to understand the greater gifts in store for us even if I have no idea, today, what those might be. I can close the door on motherhood for now, but I will never lock it. Life is full of surprises and a family may not be what ultimately fulfills me, but something will. I know it. I will pick up the pieces of my broken and build something entirely new. I can't wait to find out what that is.

I recently stumbled upon a treasure of a book. If I hadn't been a librarian at that very moment, at that exact library, doing exactly what I needed to do as the branch manager (a recent promotion I may not have been able to take if I had a baby), I may never have found this book. Oh, the paths of life lead us into places we can only imagine! As I was doing a shelf check, I found it's turquoise spine: Resurrection Year: Turning Broken Dreams Into New Beginnings by Sheridan Voysey. I am always drawn to books, projects, ideas that last only a specified amount of time, no doubt because of my ADD. I flipped over the book in my hands: failed rounds of IVF......dream of having a child over.... journey in store of restoration. That was exactly the story I wanted to read. And all of a sudden, I no longer felt alone, no longer thought I was the only one. I've talked of an adventure with my sweet JSM and here, another couple had gone before us. Another reason why I believe it's so important to share our stories.

Letting go of this idea that I have clung to for years has given me a freedom I haven't felt since I was much younger. There are moments of sadness, that is certain, but they are sooner turned towards hope. I feel lighter, like the world has opened up to me once again. My love (JSM), my education and my career are exactly what I want, but nothing else is set in stone. Our life may not turn out as we had once imagined: our home may be smaller, our weekends longer, our vacations farther, and our meals made only for two, but I look forward to making room in our life for whatever comes our way.

XOXO